Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama’s uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama’s approval rating.

Obama’s approval rating is 38 percent. I’d kill for numbers like that.

Next week, Obama will unveil his new jobs bill. I’m sure that will sail right through.

Labor Day is when we celebrate our workforce. Do we still have a workforce?

Late Show Top Ten

10 Unwind after his two-week vacation

9 A backyard barbecue with the guy who forged his birth certificate

8 Flip through Gadhafi's sexy photos of Condi

7 Resist cigarette cravings by chewing on charcoal briquettes

6 Hire goons to rough up Mitt Romney

5 Grill up some of Michelle's delicious kale paste

4 Update his resume

3 Hillbilly Handfishin'

2 Pretty much whatever the Republicans tell him he can do

1 Sit around bonfire reading scary passages from Dick Cheney's memoir